the secret lives of prothros.

August 17, 2010

some letters

Filed under: Uncategorized — prothro @ 10:47 am

Dear People Driving on Old Mill Rd. this morning,
Thank you for your looks of concern. No, in fact, I wasn’t seizing from running in the heat. Nope, that is what my dancing looks like. I know that maybe I should focus more on my running than my dancing but I had to make a deal with myself: if I woke up in the morning to endure the grueling torture of running, I committed to reward myself with the freedom to dance or sing when a song so moved me. So I’m just keeping my word–blame the Black Eyed Peas. I know you also saw me stick my head in someone’s lawn sprinklers. Really, I’m unsure why this perplexed you so much. It’s stinking hot outside. And hotter still because I snooze-buttoned myself into running an hour later and 5 degrees hotter. So eyes forward next time, okay, Mr. Gawky? I promise I won’t kill anyone’s lawn by taking a quick spattering of their sprinkler water. Also, would you mind forwarding this letter to the man on Goldfinch that heard my singing while he was out watering his plants? I think I scared him. Thanks.
With love,
The Reluctant Runner

Dear Raid,
First of all, thank you for making your far-distance-spraying, kill-on-contact wasp killer. I need it. I appreciate it. However, would you mind metering the spray intensity down a bit? I feel pretty dumb when I use half a can to kill three wasps. And I’m already feeling dumb enough ducking and running from a predator smaller than my big toe. I know I may be foolish to believe that my ego is more important to you than your bottom line, but I thought it was worth a shot.
With love,
The One Can a Week Wasp Killer

Dear Squirrels,
I still hate you. We are not friends again.
No love for you,
Patio Cushion Owner

Dear Coffee Pot,
I’m sorry that I’ve been putting you through so much extra work lately. I don’t mean to keep forgetting important things like actually adding coffee to the filter. I know how annoying it must be to spend all that time just to brew water. I’m sure it made you feel silly and inferior like a mere water kettle. To top it all off, you can’t communicate to tell me how obnoxious my forgetfulness has become. So I just want you to know that I understand. And I’m sorry. If you need someone to vent to, try your friends in the laundry room. They know all about the extra work that my forgetfulness causes. Once they had to re-wash a load three times because I kept forgetting to transfer it to the dryer. Just don’t get bitter and plan an appliance revolt. I’m not sure I could handle that.
All apologies,
The Committee Head for Appliance Feelings Management

Dear Spokane Valley,
Give me back my husband!!!!
Resentful of the lure of your fine weather,
The Lonely Wife



  1. Dear Itron test engneers,

    I’m sorry that I just laughed out loud in the middle of our meeting. It’s completely my fault for reading my wife’s blog in the middle of our meeting.

    Lonely Husband

    Comment by Hubby — August 17, 2010 @ 11:32 am

  2. Oh, Jules, you do not disappoint!! Pretty sure that I was crying b/c I was laughing so hard and now my friends wants to follow your blog b/c of your hilarity!

    Comment by Suzanne — August 17, 2010 @ 7:18 pm

  3. Dear Austin,

    Why don’t I reside in your loving borders? Why do you have all the great things and people?
    You aren’t being fair, and I blame society.
    PS- write back soon

    Comment by Brad — August 17, 2010 @ 11:50 pm

  4. Dear Julie…win. js

    Comment by Jessica Schmale — August 18, 2010 @ 8:55 am

  5. Dear Julie,

    Thank you for your letters. They are wonderfully hysterical.


    Comment by Katie — August 18, 2010 @ 2:19 pm

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