the secret lives of prothros.

August 9, 2010


Filed under: Uncategorized — prothro @ 1:29 pm

What do you think of squirrels?

Cute? Cuddly? Precious? Playful? Harmless?

Well, you are wrong. And I am going to tell you why–because if there is one thing people like on a Monday morning, it is being told why they are wrong, and I like to give people what they want.

Squirrels are wretched, conniving, malicious little thieves. In cute furry clothing. Don’t let the bushy tail fool you or when you’re not looking they’ll take you for all you’re worth, build a house in your trees and frame your dog.

Perhaps I need to explain.

Our backyard is my favorite part of our house. I love sitting underneath those big oak trees, so we invested in some patio furniture. A table, six chairs and nice comfy cushions.

Well, during the winter I started noticing small holes in the cushions, holes that grew into bigger holes, holes from which cushion stuffing started to disappear. Well, naturally I assumed Molly was destroying our outdoor oasis. She likes destroying things so the assumption fit well. She tore a Kong to pieces in less that 3 minutes. It wasn’t beyond her.

Then one day when I was drinking my tea and reading on the couch, Molly started barking like crazy. I knew the cause before I looked up: a squirrel. Molly’s life goal is to catch a squirrel. Then what, I’m not sure, but she really wants to catch one. It was at this moment that I came to realize her true motive for squirrel hunting. She had gotten into trouble for the squirrels bad deeds. The proof was before my eyes–a squirrel chewing into our cushions, grabbing a mouthful of stuffing and running back to safety in the canopy of the overhanging oaks.  I was furious. I was baffled. I proceeded to haul every last cushion into the spare bedroom away from those beastly little varmints. Then I did the only thing I could do–searched the internet for videos of squirrel sabotage to make sure I wasn’t crazy–and I’m not!! At least about this…\

Further proof of my sanity came when a friend noticed more of the squirrels handy work while lounging in our hammock. High above the trees of my backyard is a giant squirrel nest–a two foot fluff ball composed of the innards of my patio cushions. Jerks. They we’re just rubbing it in by putting it right there. They knew we were going to see it. And they knew there was nothing we could do about it either.

After winter ended, I reluctantly put the cushions back outside. Poor vulnerable cushions, just waiting to be ripped and ravaged. It was Spring though and I wanted to be outside, so I sacrificed the safety of my cushions. And really the squirrels played nice and left my cushions alone. I decided to let bygones be bygones. I wouldn’t harbor bitterness in my heart and I wouldn’t spread news of their true horrible nature on my blog. I forgave the squirrels. Well then you know what they did? They started this mess all over again. And that’s just greedy. It’s hot outside so why would they even need fluff? They’re just being jerks. Because that’s what they are. So now you know. Squirrels are wretched.

Ninja attack squirrel

Okay, they are cute and cuddly. But wretched too.


  1. This is absolutely hilarious and tragic. Your poor cushions!

    Comment by JHill — August 9, 2010 @ 1:46 pm

  2. I’m so happy myy grand dog has been exonerated. Go get the squirrel Molly!!!

    Comment by Kim — August 9, 2010 @ 4:22 pm

  3. Julie! It’s so true. I thought our hammock had winter damage from falling branches until I saw a squirrel pulling at the torn ropes! You might want to bring that inside for the winter too!

    Also, squirrels attack humans. I’m not sure if you’ve heard my traumatic story about the time I was attacked by a squirrel. I was living in Nashville at the time, and we were picnicing at Centennial Park. Being a beautiful Sunday afternoon, naturally there were bunches of squirrels in the park, too. Well my friend Cara gets the great idea to feed them out of her hand. (You know, like Snow White). I tried feeding it tortilla chips out of my hand, but it bit me. I was expecting this so I only pulled back about an inch or so in shock, but I left my hand out for the squirrel to keep eating. Apparently, the squirrel didn’t like this, so he crouched down and started growling at me. Growling! A growling squirrel! I had no idea they could even do that. I was so shocked I just stared at it stupidly trying to figure out how that little animal was making that noise when it began it’s attack. It pounced on my hand clawing and biting and growling! I had several scratches and bites on my hand, but I recovered. (Physically, anywyas) Needless to say, I’ve aimed for squirrels with car ever since.

    Comment by Travis and Lindsey — August 10, 2010 @ 10:19 am

    • I’ve heard our squirrels growl at Molly, so creepy!!

      Comment by prothro — August 11, 2010 @ 9:12 am

  4. Yay! a mention of me! Hah… squirrels are evil… Evan needs a good pellet gun 🙂

    Comment by Nyc — August 10, 2010 @ 12:04 pm

    • You and your expert vision!!! The nest is still there too.

      Comment by prothro — August 11, 2010 @ 9:12 am

  5. Did you pepper them? You should definitely pepper them.

    The only reason they look cute and cuddly is because you know how to work a camera so stinkin’ well. Otherwise, ew.

    Kill the beast(s)!

    p.s. I miss you.

    Comment by Danielle — August 10, 2010 @ 10:51 pm

    • I miss you too. 🙂 See you at the next wedding though. And then the next. And the next. 🙂

      Comment by prothro — August 11, 2010 @ 9:12 am

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