This is a story requested by Gina. It is dedicated to any would be murderers/robbers that read my blog. 🙂
So back when Evan and I lived in our apartment, there were a few occasions where I would hear strange noises after he left. Not that odd in an apartment since you live under, above and around all your neighbors. However, if Evan had the early shift and it was around 6 in the morning, my sleepy delusions would turn to paranoia. If you know me well, you know that I am very odd when I’m sleepy.
I live in a half dream/half reality world and things get very confusing.
Well, that day when I told Evan about the attack I had dreamed up during my delusional waking hours, he decided it was time for some combat training. He handed me our shotgun and made me practice sticking the barrel out the bedroom door, clearing the action and shouting mean scary things at him as he pretended to be an intruder. After several trial runs, he was satisfied. He told me the real trick was the sound of cocking the shotgun, apparently that sound is the #1 burglar deterrent. (And I thought it was me attempting to sing Whitney Houston)
It should be added at this point that our gun isn’t loaded. No bullets allowed. I can shoot a gun fairly well, but me shooting a gun in my delusional morning stupor is more dangerous than the Russian mafia breaking into my house.
So a few months ago, I had the chance to use my skills.
Evan was out with some guys from work and Molly and I were home cuddled on the couch, well all of the sudden she started barking and growling a bit, which put me on high alert. She’s a black mouth cur, genetical sibling of Old Yeller. And Old Yeller knew when there was trouble. Then I start to hear noises in the guest bedroom. I began to think things over. stay calm. breathe. go get the shotgun and head straight for danger.
No joke on that last one, I am the stupid chick from horror movies that walks right into the bathroom to “check” on those very odd chainsaw sounds mixed with blood curdling screams. In college, when our house was actually robbed, I went around searching for the perp. Not my brightest moment. Maybe they have rehab for that kind of thing? “Ignorant, Over-curious, Horror Chicks Anonymous”. We could meet in a high school gym.
So, Molly by my side and shotgun in my hand, I begin to approach the extra bedroom, I can still hear the scuttling. In a moment of fury, I throw open the door and swing my gun around the corner to the source of the noise….
And there they are, staring down the barrel of my gun, Laser and Nitro, our gerbils.
Made me feel pretty lame, I just pulled a gun on two rodents in a cage! but at least they looked scared so I guess I was doing it right.
Now as I said at the beginning, this blog is written for would be robbers/murderers and I’ve already painted a pretty pathetic picture of me and my unloaded gun. So a few things you should know, in addition to my cunning intellect and gun cocking sound, we have bullets in the bedroom, in case I really need them. The #2 deterrent of criminals is a dog. And we have one of those. And though she is cuddly and sweet and her name is Molly, she is kin with Old Yeller and she will bite out your jugular if you ever try to hurt me. Have a super day!! Love, Julie