the secret lives of prothros.

September 25, 2008

Awesome blosom, extra awesome

Filed under: Uncategorized — prothro @ 2:18 pm

So tonight is the night. After a summer of horrible TV (I mean Jerry Springer hosting a talent show judged by Hasselhoff? How low will we go America?) and of course there was the writer’s strike that cut last season short, leaving us only the lame “unscripted” reality shows, The Office finally returns tonight. In honor of this epic (slight exaggeration) event, I’ll share a few favorite quotes from seasons’ past.

Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.

Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me. I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.

Michael Scott: When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.

Andy Bernard: Break me off a piece of that…Chrysler car?……Football cream?

Pam: They say if you are nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on. Or a funny coat.

Michael Scott: I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.

Dwight Schrute: (After he didn’t tip the sub man) Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Michael Scott: God. Stanley, that’s frickin brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I’m sorry…
Stanley: Oh, it’s OK. I did learn it on the streets. In the ghetto in fact.

Ryan Howard: Yeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say “Ryan Howard is a temp”. It will say “Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm”. [pause] That’ll show ’em.

Michael Scott: Yankee swap!

Andy Bernard: [To Michael] I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk! Waitresses – hot! Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown.

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don’t have a butler I have to do it myself… so, most nights before I go to bed I will lay out 6 strips of bacon out on my foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on to the grill and it clamped on to my foot. That’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.

Dwight Schrute: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Kelly: I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.

Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. [types something] ‘Little Kid Lover’. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Darryl: Hey. How ’bout stop yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper and get back to your desk, and start selling multiple reams like a man.

Michael Scott: I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!

Dwight [Reading suggestions for health-care coverage: Who thought of this one? Anal fissures.
Kevin Malone: That’s a real thing.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin Malone: [quietly] Someone has it.

Creed Bratton: I’ve been involved in a number of cults. Both as a leader and a follower. I had more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

Andy Bernard: They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really. Then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.

Pam Beesly: There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, “what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?” He said, “If I’m dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.”

Michael Scott: You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?
Enjoy the show tonight!

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3 Comments »

  1. Julie – I literally sat in my office and laughed…not chuckled, but laughed OUT LOUD in my office. I am so excited to watch the Office tonight. People have asked me around the office “hey what are you doing tonight?” I say – I am going to leave work, and do nothing…sit in front of the tv, watch TV all night, and do nothing!

    we miss you at the office.

    Comment by Erin Mills — September 25, 2008 @ 3:44 pm

  2. Just got back from our Office watching party. It was tons of fun, but we are still missing the Marina days! Oh the joy of having the show paused waiting for that last soul to arrive so we can start the awkward glory.

    Julie you win the prize for longest blog of the day. Your prize is the pleasure of knowing you won. You’re welcome.

    Comment by Beardo the First — September 26, 2008 @ 2:59 am

  3. Julie,
    I just want you to know that I stayed after my workday was technically over to read you blog. It’s a horrifyingly gorgeous day, and there is no one who will play with me. Can’t wait to see you guys.
    Love,
    Brad

    Comment by Brad — September 29, 2008 @ 9:55 pm


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